Sorrow Untold
by LadyAlambiel
Summary: Sorrow untold, unexpressed, but felt more deeply than any other. What will it take to mend?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Narnia or any characters you may recognize from the books or the movies, I wish I did but I don't... I also don't own the Narnian Calendar. It belongs to Elecktrum who was kind enough to let me borrow it for my story. Her own stories are awesome and you should go read them too.

Summary: Sorrow untold, unexpressed, but felt more deeply than any other. What will it take to mend?

A/N: This story is part of my _A Light in the Darkness_ universe. Enjoy!

**Sorrow Untold**

_**Part One**_

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5 Fairdawn 1011

_How do I fix this, Aslan? How can I help her?_ Those were the questions that echoed in my mind and through my heart as I watched over my wife. She was a shadow of herself now. She had been since it happened. I could not blame her but neither could I find a way to help her, ease her pain and that was the failing I struggled with the most. She had pulled away from me, had done so since it happened. I knew I should give her as much time as she needed but I hated to see her in such pain.

Leaning down, I pulled the coverlet over her then rested my hand lightly on her shoulder. She didn't stir nor did the contact ease the furrow marring her brow. _Oh Aslan, help her, help us._ Four weeks ago, I had never imagined this would have happened. My mind recalled that evening in perfect detail . . .

_Gazing down at my beloved, I was confident the best part of returning from a patrol was when I was finally able to hold her close again. I brushed my lips over hers in a fleeting kiss then nuzzled her cheek, rumbling, "I missed being able to hold you, my love."_

_"__And I missed you." She kissed me again and then rose on tiptoe and whispered in my ear, "I am with child."_

_For a moment, I could hardly believe what she had told me. Easing my hold on her, I drew back and stared down at her. "You are?" She smiled at me. My wife . . . was with child. Breaking the embrace, I stepped back and stared at her stomach. She did not look any different from how she had when I left on patrol three weeks ago. I swallowed hard. "When?"_

_"__Winter." Her eyes shone as she added, "I am in the second month now."_

_Those were the words that caused my heart to constrict with joy and drove me to my knees. Kneeling before her, I gently rested a hand against her stomach. "Winter . . . Our child." I could hardly believe that this was happening so soon. Less than two full years of marriage and we were to have a little one. I placed my other hand against her stomach. "Our child. Praise Aslan, our child." Wrapping my hands around her waist, I tugged gently until she stepped a little closer and then I pressed a kiss to her stomach. _

_Looking up at her, I surged to my hooves and then wrapped my arms around her. She smiled and murmured, "Our child."_

_I clasped her close, lifting her off her feet, and pressed my face against her hair, inhaling the cinnamon scent of her hair rinse. "Our child." Our own little foal. Aslan be praised, our own little colt or filly. Then I remembered how fragile expectant mothers were and there was the foal to consider as well. I loosened my grip and then set my wife down as gently as I could. I caught a glimpse of the waterclock then looked back at her. "You should rest. Our little one will need you to be well rested." I looked her over nervously, fearing my joy had overridden the need to be gentle with her. "Did I hurt you or the child? I should not have held you so tightly."_

_She laughed, shaking her head, as she took my hands again. "Oreius, you haven't hurt me or the baby. And you aren't going to break either one of us with a hug and a kiss."_

_I raised an eyebrow, uncertain of whether I could believe her. But I could not resist resting my hand on her stomach again. "I do not want to hurt you. Either of you."_

_Alambiel rested her hand on top of mine, smiling and eyes shining with a new joy. "You're not going to, Chuisle. You're going to be a wonderful da." She yawned suddenly and I was again reminded of the lateness of the hour. My wife tugged at my hands. "Come on, let's go to bed."_

_"__I do not know if I should." _

_She gave me a look. "Oreius, you aren't going to hurt us by sharing the bed. And I sleep better when you are with me. Come on."_

In the end, it had taken very little coaxing for me to join her. I prayed for her and the foal through the night and in my excitement, in my joy I allowed myself to murmur to the little one. I explained about Aslan and how much we loved it already and how eager I was to learn whether the foal would be a colt or a filly. For one week, Alambiel and I dreamed of our foal, of what it would be like as the little one grew within its dam and when it was born. For one wonderful week, I celebrated that I was a sire. I had not expected a foal to come so soon. It was well known that Centaurs often did not begin their herds until after several years of marriage and it often took longer when it was a union between Centaur and Nymph. But now we were to be blessed with a little foal before our third anniversary.

Alambiel's morning sickness had been extremely severe, though. And I did feel guilty that I could not do anything to help alleviate it. She was miserable but she still managed to smile and to dream. Only another month she assured me and then she should be far enough along into the pregnancy that the bouts of illness would ease. But then everything changed. Alambiel had been so ill the night before that the only reason I went to the meeting with the Royals and a number of diplomats, including three Tarkaans, was that it was one the General needed to be present at. The Tarkaans insisted the meeting room be kept sealed unless a true crisis of state occur and we had been forced to agree for diplomacy's sake.

I should have allowed Ardon to take my place. I should have remained with Alambiel. I took a breath that was shakier than I ever would have admitted as I recalled the worst of it. Alambiel had lost the foal but the worst was that she had been alone when it happened. At the time, very few in Cair Paravel knew that we had been expecting an addition to our little herd. Tuulea and Alithia. Leeta had begun to suspect but had said nothing according to Alambiel. But none of them had been there when Alambiel felt the pains. It was not until some passing Beasts had caught the distinctive scent of blood that they realized something was wrong and listened closely enough to hear Alambiel's weak cry for help.

My heart constricted as I recalled the grim report from Tanith. She had been the junior healer available when help was sought. Both Tuulea and Alithia had been away from the Cair. Ptah had also been away visiting family. Two Humming Birds tasked with summoning Queen Lucy and myself intruded on the meeting with the Tarkaans. Alambiel had almost died from the blood loss. The tea she had taken earlier that day to help her sleep and to ease the nausea had compounded the situation with the miscarriage and I had almost lost her as well as our foal, our little colt. I rested my hand against Alambiel's shoulder again, reassuring myself that I had not lost her too, and she sighed a little but did not wake.

Alambiel had been listless since the day after the miscarriage when she had awakened to learn the events she had hoped were nothing more than a nightmare easily banished were indeed the new truth of our lives. The only time she had stirred was when she heard me discussing the burial with Tuulea. It was also the only time I had seen the raw pain in her eyes before the emotion was shuttered away. I hung my head as I recalled again the way the sky had opened with an unlooked for spring shower as the tiny colt was buried and a stone plaque bearing his name had been set up as if nature also grieved the loss of an innocent. My Amatus, my little son.

The weight on my shoulders seemed to grow as grief reared its head once more. I reminded myself that Amatus was with Aslan. We would not have the opportunity to see him become a stallion or even draw his first breath but he was with Aslan and he would never feel pain or sorrow or any of the evil things that marred our world. In time, I believed, the reminder would bring true comfort. For now, the wound was raw. But I feared Alambiel's ran deeper. She was refusing to allow herself to grieve. She needed to grieve.

_Aslan, how do I help her?_

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**A/N: Please Read and Review! Ahem, well, I don't have much to say. There's more to come. Leave a review and let me know what y'all thought about this one. **


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Narnia or any characters you may recognize from the books or the movies, I wish I did but I don't... I also don't own the Narnian Calendar. It belongs to Elecktrum who was kind enough to let me borrow it for my story. Her own stories are awesome and you should go read them too.

Summary: Sorrow untold, unexpressed, but felt more deeply than any other. What will it take to mend?

A/N: This story is part of my _A Light in the Darkness_ universe. Enjoy!

**Sorrow Untold**

_**Part Two**_

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"Oreius."

I looked up from my papers and offered a slight bow. "Your Majesty."

The Just King hesitated just inside my study but I welcomed the distraction. Even though I knew Tuulea, Leeta, and Ptah were all keeping a close watch over Alambiel, it took everything not to return to my quarters and see her for myself. Had Alambiel shown the least bit of interest in my comings and goings, she would have chided me for hovering. I wished she would. Forcing my attention back to the business at hand, I motioned for the Just to enter. "You wished to speak to me, King Edmund?"

Dark eyes measured me and I could tell the colt was weighing his words. "Did you see the report for the border outpost in the Lantern Waste?"

"I did."

"And your assessment?"

I frowned. "It would be best to withhold judgment until I am able to conduct my own inspection, My King."

King Edmund nodded, still watching me closely. "I agree." He paused, deliberating the action he was about to take, and I arched an eyebrow. Whatever was on the colt's mind made him hesitate, which led me to the most likely request. The colt sighed. "I know these last weeks you have been on restricted duty, Oreius, but we need to know if the outpost is truly struggling to maintain the watch against Fell incursion. I am sorry to press you. However, Peter and I have discussed this and we also consulted Captain Ardon, who agreed with our assessment. You are the most qualified to inspect and report back on the situation at hand. And we need to resolve this matter swiftly."

I nodded slowly, knowing what the colt was not yet saying and why he was trying very hard not to say it. The Four had been very accommodating when I felt it necessary to place myself on restricted duty for Alambiel's sake. But as General of the Army, I could not remain on restricted duty due to any reason aside from injury or illness as long as other soldiers might. I could not neglect my duty to Narnia any longer. "I will leave for the outpost this afternoon."

"Today?"

I gave a curt nod. "If you will pardon me, Your Majesty, I must see that everything here is well looked after in my absence."

King Edmund looked at me then cleared his throat. "I'm pretty sure the girls and Thalia are plotting with Tuulea to cheer Kat up tomorrow. There's that, I guess." I raised both eyebrows at that and the colt flushed then shrugged. "I hope your inspection proves illuminating, General."

Afterwards I summoned only Ardon and Sherket to inform them I was no longer on restricted duty. The paperwork changing my status, however, would wait until I returned. It would be better to conduct the unofficial inspection before it was generally known that I had resumed all of my duties. And yet even these preparations were not enough to wholly divest myself of the lingering worry about leaving Alambiel behind. I did not fear that she would attempt to harm herself; but the less interest she showed in her surroundings, the more I feared that she was simply fading. If I left, even on this short inspection, I feared she would feel I had abandoned her and fade beyond recall.

I still did not know quite how I was to inform Alambiel of my imminent departure. However, I had no more time to prepare. It disturbed me a little to find that Ptah was standing guard outside of my quarters instead of inside with Alambiel as I had ordered. If Tuulea had commanded the Leopard to leave . . .

Apprehension grew when I shoved the doors to our bedchamber open. The bed was empty and Leeta and Tuulea were both missing. "Alambiel?"

"When do you leave?"

The whispered question came from behind me. Turning, I saw the door to our shared private study was standing open but Alambiel was not where I could see her. Crossing to the doorway, I could see her sitting in the chair in front of her desk. Alambiel was dressed in one of her plainer gowns, a simple light blue dress with a split in the front of the skirt that revealed her brown leggings and boots, and a pack rested on the floor by her chair. Before I could speak, she rose. "Peter seemed to think you were going to leave very soon. Was he right?"

"Within the hour, but-"

"Good." Alambiel scooped up her pack, avoiding looking me directly in the eye. "Then we can leave sooner than later. It will be far more convincing if we appear to leave Cair Paravel for . . . for personal reasons rather than you leaving by yourself. You don't want anyone to know that you're going on an inspection after all."

I should have been pleased that she wanted to go somewhere but her mannerisms and the lack of inflection in her voice warned that Alambiel was still not herself. Concern prompted me to ask, "Are you certain you wish to travel?"

Alambiel darted a fleeting glance at me. Her eyes were wide yet still kept her secrets close. She looked almost terrified in that brief moment and my heart hurt for my sweet wife. Then all emotion vanished from her expression. "I'm more than capable of a few days of travel. Tuulea has not been subtle in her wishes for me to leave these chambers, so this will appease her as well."

"I do not think Tuulea meant for you to journey all the way to the Lantern Waste, sweet. Merely-"

"I have to leave." Alambiel turned away from me but I could still see the way she trembled faintly before pulling her shoulders back. "I have to leave, Oreius, and either we leave together and come back together or we leave separately and I-" She stopped as her voice wavered but then she continued, still not looking at me, "I don't know how long it will be before I can bring myself to return on my own."

If I left her, I would lose her. Closing the distance between us, I carefully placed a hand on her shoulder. She flinched. I refused to mention it, doing so would only cause more hurt. "Give me five minutes and then we will go to the Lantern Waste."

She nodded, but she said nothing and did not look at me. I squeezed her shoulder gently, wishing that I had the right words to speak. Wishing that I knew how to soothe her hurt. A faint hope bloomed that perhaps taking her away from Cair Paravel would provide enough distance from the most painful reminders that she would feel able to grieve. Grieving would go long in the healing process.

"Nothing personal."

"What?"

Alambiel cleared her throat then turned around, dry-eyed and with a grim set around her mouth. "Nothing personal. No personal talks about . . . about anything, Oreius. Just the task at hand and conversations directly related to that task."

I bowed my head. "As you wish." Then I pressed a kiss to her soft hair. Alambiel flinched and looked away. I did not mention it nor permit myself to show how it pained me that my own wife shied away from my touch. Tuulea had explained this happened when such a loss occurred, especially since Alambiel had not yet grieved and forgiven herself. I needed to be patient but it was difficult when I wanted to shelter her in my arms and comfort her whenever she needed me. Instead of growing vexed, I praised Aslan for the opportunity to give Alambiel what she needed. My support. And the potential to finally find a way to help her share the burden of our loss. Aslan willing, we would both find comfort.

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**A/N: Please Read and Review!**


	3. Interlude: Alambiel

Disclaimer: I don't own Narnia or any characters you may recognize from the books or the movies, I wish I did but I don't... I also don't own the Narnian Calendar. It belongs to Elecktrum who was kind enough to let me borrow it for my story. Her own stories are awesome and you should go read them too.

Summary: Sorrow untold, unexpressed, but felt more deeply than any other. What will it take to mend?

A/N: This story is part of my _A Light in the Darkness_ universe. Enjoy!

**Sorrow Untold**

**_Interlude: Alambiel_**

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There was no comfort in dreams. I only dreamt of what I'd lost. I thought about it enough when I was awake. So, I had spent the last two nights staying awake for as long as possible until sheer exhaustion won out and I was able to sleep without dreaming for a few hours. Oreius didn't know, although the way he looked at me this morn or, rather, yesterday morn made me suspect that he was beginning to have a few suspicions. It was Fairdawn but the heat of the day had finally faded and it was cool enough that I almost wished I had the courage to go over to Oreius and take advantage of his warmth. I closed my eyes when I heard him stir but he didn't speak and soon his breathing evened out again.

Turning my face to the left, I studied him. The Kentauri still hadn't said the words I deserved but I knew they were coming. _Murderer. Your fault. Always, always your fault._ It was my fault he was mourning when he should have been in his paranoid delight over preparing a list of guards, routine changes, and anything else he might think of for our foal. My baby. I looked away from him, unable to bear the guilt that was mine driving the knife through my heart whenever I spent too much time interacting with Oreius. The leafy branches of the trees above hid the stars but it wasn't as though I could read their dances anyway.

I got up silently and then stole away from the small campsite. There was no one around to note my passing as I wandered further. I didn't have a direction. I didn't particularly want one. It didn't seem to matter anymore. None of it did. Maybe it would be best if I left and didn't come back. Ten years, they'd declare me dead even if they couldn't find the body, and Oreius could move on. We were on the outskirts of the Lantern Waste. It would be easy. All I'd have to do was walk over the border and disappear into the north or to the west. Pick a fight I won't be able to walk away from on my own and let the pain be over.

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**A/N: Please Read and Review!**


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